There is a lot that we can become addicted to. We have social media, food, shows, movies, video games, sex, alcohol, substances, news, fitness, approval, technology, relationships, money, success, work, novelty, thrill… the list goes on and on. Whew. 

 

For this blog, I will be discussing what sexual addiction looks like and risk factors that can contribute to developing a sex addiction. In the next blog I will talk about possible ways out. To begin, let’s first talk about what sexuality and sexual desire is. Sexuality is a natural, important, and beautiful part of being human. Sexuality permeates through all parts of our experience by affecting the way we relate to the world and to ourselves. The ways we see ourselves as men and women, as partners, what jobs we are told are available to us, how we understand our relationship to God, and how we understand our own power are all colored by our sexuality. 

 

For some people, this world of sexuality can lead to a darker side–sexual addiction. Let me also define what I mean when I am using the term “sex addiction.” This would encompass sexual experiences (watching pornography, masturbating, romantic fantasy, intercourse, hooking up, paying for sex, etc.) that are compulsive actions instead of free decisions. I am not writing to debate the morality of any of these behaviors. I am writing to point out that what makes a sex addiction harmful is its threat to our ability to make free, mindful choices. Sex addiction is not about sex. It is a process addiction, which means it is an addiction to the search for sex and the hope of finding that thing we are ultimately looking for (acceptance, love, relief, etc.) Also, sex addiction is not measured quantitatively (how much sex/porn one is engaging in); it is measured qualitatively (how it is affecting our relationships and quality of life). 

 

What is happening in our body with a sex addiction? 

When we experience any discomfort, our brains go into problem-solving mode to alleviate it. Our brain wants to ease the discomfort we experience as quickly and efficiently as possible. For example, if I have an itch on my arm, I scratch it with my hand. If I have an itch on that middle part of my back, I have to think more creatively about getting to that spot. We become more creative to alleviate discomfort as the itch becomes harder to reach. Most of the pains we experience are far more complicated than an itch, so we must use more creative ways to relieve the discomfort. When we have a complicated itch, we need an appropriate and nuanced solution. Sex and orgasm are powerful experiences that release a flood of reward hormones in our brains. If we use sex and orgasm in response to distress, we will feel relieved. In our brains’ experience, the problem or “itch” is solved when we feel better. However, the sexual experience doesn’t actually solve the problem. So since the problem is still there, our brains will have to go into problem-solving mode again, and since last time felt so good, let’s try that again. Thus, the cycle reinforces itself. Our solution becomes our problem. The cure becomes the disease. 

 

What are the risk factors that contribute to developing a sex addiction? 

Risk factors are characteristics or experiences that can make us more vulnerable to developing an addiction, and they can be things like loneliness, stress, depression, anger, lack of direction/purpose, trauma, or crisis. The current events of a global pandemic, confusing and constantly changing guidelines, social injustice, racism, and an upcoming presidential election are absolutely risk factors that can increase our feelings of distress that we want to alleviate as fast as we can, so many turn to sexual behaviors to ease this stress.  

 

That’s a very basic picture of how sex addiction works. If this resonates with you, you want to know more about sex addiction, or know someone you care about that is going through this, stay tuned for my next blogs, The Burden of Sex Addiction and A Way Out.

Gabriel Pfeiffer is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate with Grace Counseling, and is passionate about not only helping individuals with issues they may be experiencing but also understanding the root of these issues. If you are interested in meeting with Gabriel using Telehealth or in person, please request an appointment or call us at (720) 489-8555.