In my last blog, I wrote about what makes a sex addiction harmful, what happens in our bodies to develop one, and risk factors that can make us more vulnerable. When our sexual addiction grows outside of the boundaries of our values, shame manifests itself. Shame is added pain on top of what we are already experiencing. Our brain, being the efficient machine that it is, has to go into working overtime to not only manage the feelings of distress but also try to alleviate the shame we feel. A sex addiction not only takes a toll on us physically but also spiritually. 

Shame takes energy to maintain itself which depletes the energy needed for our internal resources. That means that the more shame we have, the less energy we have for resources like confidence, patience, and inner peace. If our mind were a house, our capacity for what we are able to handle could be the electricity used to power all the appliances in the house. Outlets in houses have a limited amount of electrical output to power all the necessary things we have like our refrigerator, television, WiFi, etc. Carrying shame is like having a bunch of unnecessary things plugged into the outlets of our mind which takes power away from the appliances that need it. At some point, overloading these outlets can short circuit, cutting off power to whole sections of the house. When this happens, we are left without the necessary appliances to get us through the day. When we have few internal resources, we need others’ approval, validation, or love to maintain our own sense of security which is exactly what sex/porn/fantasy seems to offer us. The more a sex addiction takes up room in our mind, the less patience, kindness, empathy, and understanding we have to offer the people in our lives. You can begin to see how this cycle reinforces itself and isolates us from what we need to live in freedom.

Shame expresses itself in different ways in each of us. Many people experience shame as a negative internal narrative where we have voices that say things like, “You are not good enough, you can’t do that, you can’t change, who do you think you are?” Others experience shame as a numbing, dull static that creates a mental and emotional fog. Whatever internal experience of shame we have, it will inevitably manifest itself physically if we do not address it. When feelings of shame and stress build, our physical health can suffer along with our mental health. Long-term stress can lead to heart issues, problems with sleep, lower energy and motivation, migraines, and many other issues.

Shame won’t go away or dissipate on its own. You have to meet it head on and take action. A way out of this cycle is confronting shame, and as Brené Brown puts it, the cure to shame is vulnerability and empathy. True vulnerability is not just listing off actions we feel bad about to someone. True vulnerability is taking the risk of sharing the why behind our actions. The things we are scared of, intimidated by, worried about, hurt from, or avoiding are some of the most difficult things to talk about. It may be difficult to think about having these deeper conversations with people in our lives or it may be difficult to even know ourselves what these deeper hurts even are. When this mountain seems too big to climb, we begin with just one step in the direction we want to go. For some, that first step is getting involved in a group like SA or Where Grace Abounds to build a community of people who are also in recovery. For others, it may be starting counseling to get to the root of where the addiction started and developing the tools to break free from the cycle.

Where ever you start your journey, we can see how sex addiction not only threatens our sexual and mental health, it also hurts our relational and physical health. If this sounds like something you or someone you know is going through or you want to know more, be sure to read my next blog, A Way Out.

Gabriel Pfeiffer, MA is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) at Grace Counseling in Littleton, CO. He specializes in issues related to identity, sexuality, spirituality, anxiety, and depression. If this resonates with you, you want to know more about sex addiction, or know someone you care about that is going through this, please share these blogs or his contact and stay tuned for the final part of this series, A Way Out.