We’ve all heard people say that they need to work on their self-care, but what is “self-care” actually? Big vacations? Bubble bath, wine, and a massage? A day off from responsibilities and binging a show? While these can be helpful, fun, and relaxing activities, there’s a difference between self-care and checking out.
When we use these activities as temporary exits from a reality that feels overwhelming, we never actually address why we wanted to leave in the first place. True self-care isn’t just about treating yourself, it’s about building a life you don’t have to escape from.
The Boring Essentials of Self-Care
Building a life that feels sustainable requires maintenance-based self-care. It isn’t flashy, and it isn’t sexy. It’s the repetitive, often tedious work of being a responsible steward of your own well-being. Like Elijah in his crisis in 1 Kings 19, sometimes we just need to nap, eat, and drink some water to face difficult trials.
Maintenance-based self-care can look like:
- Waking up with margin: While sleeping in those extra 10, 20, 30… 40 minutes can feel like self-care, it can also lead to a rushed morning to get out the door, creating extra tension and feeling behind through the rest of your day.
- Saying “No” without an explanation: Protecting your time so you aren’t constantly operating at 5% battery. And guess what, “no” is enough.
- The scary admin: Checking your bank account, booking the dentist, or responding to that email that’s been giving you task paralysis.
- Emotional hygiene: Staying connected with yourself enough to soothe those small frustrations that can build up to overwhelm.
- Consistency over Intensity: Choosing a 10-minute walk every day over a 3-hour gym session once a month.
From Pampering to Parenting
In my practice, I often encourage people to view self-care as a form of self-compassion. What is that inner-child telling you about what he/she needs? A good parent doesn’t just give a child candy because they’re crying or upset. They make sure the child gets enough sleep, eats something green, and has a safe environment to express their feelings.
When you prioritize your sleep or set a boundary, you are parenting yourself. You are telling your nervous system, “I am safe, I am being looked after, I got you, and you can trust me.” This creates a sense of internal stability that no bubble bath can provide.
The Shift in Perspective
If you find yourself constantly counting down the days until your next weekend or your next trip, it’s a signal to look at the maintenance of your life. Why does your daily routine feel like a cage? Is it a lack of boundaries? Is it a “yes” habit that has left you depleted?
Building a life you don’t have to escape from means making those every day, present-focused choices to create a life that feels grounded, connected, and “I got this.” It means trading the short-term high of an escape for the long-term peace of a well-managed life.
And you know what? Those treats of vacations, spa getaways, and stay-in-my-pjs-and-binge-my-favorite-show days are so much better when we are enjoying them for what they are, not for what we are trying to get away from.
Your Next Step in Self-Care
Today, skip the next episode and the face mask. Instead, identify one thing that has been draining your energy (a cluttered desk, a lingering phone call, or lack of sleep) and address it directly.
What is one maintenance task you can do today to make life feel a little bit more like a sanctuary and a little less like a trap?
Gabriel Pfeiffer, LPC works with teens, adults, and couples. He is trained in EMDR for trauma and is a Certified Sex Therapist. Contact him to schedule an appointment or to learn more about how you can incorporate healthy self-care into your daily rhythms.
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