-Written by Kelsey Garren, MA, LPCC

As you are reading this, I first want you to know that the goal of healing your inner dialogue is not to have it be positive all of the time. There are going to be negative days and this is part of being human. This work is about self-compassion. When you think about your inner dialogue and body image, what comes up for you? You might be thinking about affirmations or positive self talk. Both of these things are great, but not super helpful unless we actually BELIEVE the statements that are being said. Forcing an affirmation on yourself doesn’t always help you believe what you are saying. There has to be some sort of shift or work done to believe what you are saying. Forcing feelings is not helpful. The mantra “fake it ‘til you make it” will only get you so far.

Negative emotions are not bad and negative feelings don’t need to be fixed or solved.

Negative feelings are on one side of the emotional expression spectrum and help put language to an array of experiences and circumstances. Sometimes we experience loss in life, or grief, or disappointment. It is only when you give yourself permission to feel what is truly authentic to your experience in your body (which might by not loving your body) that you can begin a deeper healing process.

The work is to strike a balance between speaking and thinking with AUTHENTIC kindness towards ourselves and giving yourself permission to not our bodies all the time and be open to feel negative emotions. I have a technique for beginning to engage your inner dialogue to promote ongoing healing in the ways that you think and speak about yourself.

Steps to engage your inner dialogue to heal:

Step 1- Allow space for all thoughts and feelings- including the negative.

This is okay if feelings are overwhelming, this is just an experience and we are human. When we are allowing space for all of our thoughts and feelings, we don’t want to react, judge, ignore or manipulate but observe.

Step 2- Try to acknowledge, not react.

This can be helpful to talk this out with someone or to journal (or both). Journaling allows you to get your feelings out and allows you to see them beyond yourself. This can be helpful to organize and make sense of them outside of your brain.

Step 3- Distinguish a lie or the social construct from a truth.

This step honors the space of discomfort that sitting in our thoughts and feelings can bring up. A lot of the time, the feelings about your body sends a message to our brain that may not always be a tangible thought but a sinking feeling, dread, or avoidance. Think about the message that you are receiving and how that aligns with your values, character and strengths that you hold. What is the core belief at the root of the feeling and where does that come from? Ask yourself what is true and untrue about this?

Step 4- Give negative/harmful thought patterns a name and identity.

When we think about the spectrum of negative feelings and harmful thoughts, harmful thoughts can take us to a place that reinforces false beliefs, guilt or shame. It is helpful to start thinking about these thoughts outside of us so that we can begin to address the behaviors or responses that come from those thoughts. If one thinks “there is something wrong with me” or “I am not worthy of anything good”, their thoughts are reinforcing behavior patterns that they may not like. Give this thought pattern a name, an identity, a personality, and a look. When we create a persona to those thoughts, we are separating these thoughts from our true self and are able to differentiate ourselves from these thought patterns. This practice allows you to begin a healing process from your thoughts and empowers you to “break up” with those thoughts that are causing harm.

By making room to heal and slowly be less consumed by harmful thought patterns, we can have space to see ourselves with fresh eyes. You are a person struggling with something, but you are NOT your struggle. With a little patience and time, your inner dialogue will become a place that is easier for you to exist!

Kelsey Garren, M.A., LPCC, NCC works with children, teenagers, parents, and families at Grace Counseling to learn new skills and grow together. Kelsey specializes in issues that arise with identity and how they can affect a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. Grace Counseling offers counseling in the South Denver area. To request an appointment with her or any of our counselors, click here or call (720) 489-8555.