– Written by Nikki Randall, MA MFTC 

Has your teenager ever screamed at you, “You’re not listening to me!” This is a common occurrence in most families with adolescents. I’m often struck in my clinical work at how many teenagers desperately long for their parents to really, truly listen to them. It might very well be true that your teen doesn’t seem to listen to you. Or they may present in a way that seems to scream “get away from me” rather than “please engage with me deeper.”

This can make their desire to be listened to feel hypocritical at first. Do most teens need to learn how to listen to their parents better? Absolutely. However, there seems to be more discussion amongst parents regarding teens not listening, and not a lot of discussion about how us adults often don’t model healthy, effective communication. Oftentimes in family sessions, both teen and parent will express to me that they don’t feel listened to. If this is happening mutually and cyclically in families, perhaps parents ought to be the ones to take the charge and lead by example in being attentive listeners.

If you’re a parent longing for a deeper connection with your teen and to truly listen to them, here are a few starting points:

Be mindful of your own emotional state.

Ask yourself, “what unprocessed emotions am I bringing into this conversation?” Perhaps you’re feeling stressed from work, or frustrated with your spouse. Perhaps you feel anxious that your teen is lying to you, and thus are ready to catch them in a lie. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches us that there are 3 States of Mind: Rational Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind. Emotional Mind means being led by your emotions alone, and this often leads to emotionally impulsive behavior. Parents are just as susceptible to this as teens. Parents – be mindful of when you’re entering into a conversation with your teen in your own Emotional Mind. This clouds our ability to truly listen to someone.

Stay curious.

Don’t assume you know exactly what your teenager is saying. Instead, listen without judgment. Go into a conversation with your teen with the sole purpose to listen to them.

Reflect back what you heard them say.

Like most humans, teens hate being corrected and “fixed.” Reflecting back to your teen what you heard them say is a way to communicate to them that you heard what they said to you, and you’re not rushing to fix it. Fixing sounds like “Well maybe if you were more respectful, your math teacher would be nicer to you.” Reflecting and validating sounds like, “Gotcha, so it sounds like you’re super annoyed with your math teacher. That has to be frustrating.” There is a time and place for problem-solving, and it’s not when your teen has finally opened up to you. Relish in the information they have given, and show them you care.

Ask your teen about something other than school.

Oftentimes the only interactions between teens and parents are about grades. There is so much more to your child’s life than grades – show them you know this to be true.

Ask specific questions & follow-up questions.

One adolescent told me recently that one reason they share more openly in my office than with their parents is simply because I ask a lot of specific questions. Ask your teen what level in their favorite video game is the most fun. If they’ve opened up to you about friend drama, ask them for an update. Is Brianna still not talking to Abby?

Remind yourself that there is often an emotion being communicated behind someone’s words.

Stay curious about what emotion your teenager might be communicating. Your teen might not directly verbalize that they feel hurt by you, however, they might say that what you did was “annoying.” They might not say they’re feeling anxious, but perhaps they’ll “complain” about school. Be a sounding board and safe space for your teen to learn how to communicate their emotions. And if you’re not sure what emotion they’re trying to express, ask. Your teen might not know what they’re feeling – but they might.

Being a good listener is a bit of an art form. And when it comes to parents and teens being attentive listeners with one another, well that could be considered a fine art. It is rare for smooth, clear communication to happen organically between parents and their teens. What’s more common to occur organically is miscommunication, mutual irritability, and both parent and teen leaving conversations feeling unheard and unseen. It takes intentionality and creativity to perfect this type of craft. It’s hard work and it’s possible.

Nikki Randall, MA, LMFT works with children of all ages and families to tackle the issues that arise within different family dynamics. She has a special passion for working with teenagers. If you or someone you love is interested in seeking out help here in the South Denver Area, consider booking an appointment with Nikki by calling 720.489.8555 or by contacting our general admin.