– Written by Kelsey Garren, M.A., LPCC, NCC

One in 14 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18. While grief is universally experienced, each child’s journey and process is unique. This makes one’s grief journey sacred in the way that their feelings and experiences are expressed.

However, universally, children who have experienced a death loss navigate big feelings and the possibility of lingering questions and unresolved grief.

Grief and its expression is a normal and healthy part of healing and moving forward.

Those supporting grieving children often ask, “what do you need?” – While the intentions are thoughtful and caring, this is a hard question for anyone to answer – let alone a grieving child. The heart of that question is: “what do you need to be okay?” This posture acknowledges both the pain of not being okay and the hope of one day being in a different emotional space. This is the journey of healing in grief. The acronym “To Be Okay” provides ideas and ways in which you can support a grieving child.

TO BE OKAY:

T.O.

T – Take care of yourself. When we think of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, caring for your grieving child on a physical level is just as important as caring for them emotionally. Getting exercise, eating well-balanced meals, and working towards healthy sleep patterns will promote health and provide a needed element of stability.

O – Open and honest about the death narrative. Being honest about the true cause of death, at a developmentally appropriate level, is important for a child’s grief journey. It is helpful to use concrete language when answering questions of how and why someone died.

B.E.

B – Be creative. Sometimes words are not the easiest way to process feelings. Give your child a creative outlet to express themselves and ask them questions through drawing, crafting, dancing, expressive playing, being in nature or listening to music.

E – Expectations are stated clearly and consistently. Children feel safe when they know what to expect or what is expected of them. By keeping routines, setting rules, and establishing boundaries, there can be a common understanding around what is known. This creates space for children’s expression while still maintaining accountability within choices made.

O.K.A.Y.

O – Opportunities to connect and be present. Many times, life requires us to bracket our feelings and grief waves. Setting aside time to be engaged in the present moment offers space to breathe and be without judgment or the list of to-dos. Taking a break to relax and listen to your child models an openness to share thoughts and feelings rather than bottling them up.

K – Keeping memories and starting new traditions. Rituals can give your family tangible ways to honor your grief and memories of your loved one. Spending time together making new memories can be as simple as lighting a candle, going on a walk, making a meal together, or sharing stories.
A – Acknowledge all feelings when they come. Grief waves can be unexpected or can be anticipated- both are normal and okay. Grief changes and evolves as time passes and as we heal. Being open, honest, and taking the child’s lead to talk can be starting approach.

Y – You got this- be patient with yourself. Be patient with yourself in your grief journey and be patient with your grieving child as their process may look repetitive as they circle back to the same questions or details. It is okay to not be okay.

Kelsey Garren, M.A., LPCC, NCC works with children, teenagers, parents, and families at Grace Counseling to learn new skills and grow together. Kelsey specializes in issues that arise with identity and how they can affect a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. Grace Counseling offers counseling in the South Denver area. To request an appointment with her or any of our counselors, click here or call (720) 489-8555.