Raising teenagers can be both exhausting and exhilarating. I work with many teens and families. Often parents are tired and frustrated by the time they are in my office. They ask me, “Why is my teen like this? Why are they making bad choices and are constantly moody?” These are great questions and their feelings around parenting are valid.
Raising teenagers can be so difficult but also beautiful.
Adolescence is a deeply complicated and transformative time. Teenagers’ bodies and minds are growing and changing and their hormones are running wild. It’s important to remember that the frontal lobe, the part of the brain that helps us with executive functioning– making good decisions, planning ahead, regulating our mood, and flexible thinking is not fully developed in adolescents. In fact, it does not fully develop until humans are 25 years old. So teens are literally missing parts of their brains.
Here’s the good news. The brain has neuroplasticity which means it is constantly growing and changing. You can strengthen the brain like any other muscle in your body. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to modify its connections or rewire itself. As a parent or caregiver, you can help your teenager build neural connections that will help grow their frontal lobe.
So how do you, as a parent, help your teen build neuroplasticity?
By learning to listen well. Oftentimes I hear teenagers complain about how their parents “never listen.” They are afraid they will get in trouble if they share how they feel. Learn to listen without saying anything back or trying to “teach them a lesson.” Rather, listen to them, validate how they feel, and empathize. Recognize and affirm that their feelings and opinions are valid and worthwhile (even if you don’t agree with them). After you have taken the time to hear what they are saying, attend to their heart, and validate their feelings, you can help them problem-solve.
Be curious about their world and ask questions. Rather than lecturing a teenager on what they should do or should have done in a situation, ask open-ended questions such as “tell me more about that”, “how did you come to that conclusion?”, “what do you think you should do to solve the problem?”. Learn to help a teen problem solve without telling them all the answers but rather asking questions.
Dr. Jessica Pae, PsyD works with children, teenagers, parents, and families at Grace Counseling to learn new skills and grow together. Dr. Pae specializes in issues that arise with troubled teens and how they can affect family dynamics. Grace Counseling offers counseling in the South Denver area. To request an appointment with her or any of our counselors, click here or call (720) 489-8555.
