Written by Dr. Mike Kragt

Feeling connected to your partner is the most important component of any romantic relationship. Our hearts desire to feel loved and wanted by our romantic partner in a way that is different from any other relationship. When we are feeling connected to our partner, the rest of life usually feels manageable. When we are not feeling connected to our partner, deep emotional waters get stirred, and we often don’t even know what we are feeling, much less why we are feeling this way.

Couples enter therapy for a variety of reasons: communication issues, inability to resolve conflicts, financial or parenting disagreements, breakdowns in trust, or disputes about sex. One or both partners typically complain about not feeling prioritized, appreciated, respected or understood. While the relationship challenges are presented in a variety of ways, the core premise always boils down to this fundamental concept of connection.

So if connection is what it’s all about, why don’t couples simply pursue each other more?

This is where romantic relationships get really interesting! What we most desire is love and connection, but our self-protective instincts kick in and we initiate evasive maneuvers to avoid the prospect of being hurt or rejected. It’s emotionally risky to pursue the connection and intimacy our hearts crave. And we’ve been hurt enough times to know how to protect ourselves.

This dynamic creates quite the dilemma.

Choice one: Withdraw and avoid. Protect from being hurt and accept the consequence of loneliness.
Choice two: Pursue the connection we truly desire and risk further hurt or rejection.

As a couples therapist, you can imagine that I have a strong preference for encouraging couples to choose the second option. When I work with couples on how to pursue one another more effectively, we clearly have to address the emotional risk component. Couples often need some help to develop an emotionally safe dialogue where they can learn to recognize and care for one another’s fears while also learning how to push past these fears into deeper levels of connectivity. It takes some work, but the reward of intimacy and feeling more loved is definitely worth the effort.

If you’re ready to take the risk and pursue a more satisfying and connected relationship, here are a few suggestions to help you get started.

  1. Tell your partner you love them and want to work together as a team to be closer again.
  2. Do something extra special for your partner that you know he/she will appreciate.
  3. Compliment your partner for something he/she did that made you feel loved.
  4. Remind your partner that you’re glad you have each other.
  5. Tell your partner that you want more “us” time and brainstorm together to make it happen.

Don’t ever give up on pursuing the true desires of your heart!

Dr. Mike Kragt, Ph.D., CAC III works with children, parents, couples, and families at Grace Counseling to learn new skills and grow together. Dr. Kragt is passionate about helping people heal and reconcile broken relationships. Grace Counseling offers counseling in the South Denver area. To request an appointment with him or any of our counselors, click here or call (720) 489-8555.